女权主义者的性欲观（读书笔记：杰茜卡瓦伦蒂：《正面全裸的女权主义》）我一直以为，女权主义者都是些身穿男性西装剪着男人发型叼着香烟不刮腋毛的中性人，直到读了瓦伦蒂这本《正面全裸的女权主义》。现在才明白过来，原来女权主义者也是有七情六欲的！不仅如此，她们的欲望比普通女性更直白，更强势，更利己。瓦伦蒂用了整整一个章节来阐述女权主义的性欲观。标题是《女权主义者更擅长干那事（以及其它关于性的提示）FEMINISTS DO IT BETTER (AND OTHER SEX TIPS)》。她开宗明义就自我标榜“我在床上比你行，而这得归功于女权主义。”(I'm better in bed than you are. And I have feminism to thank for it.)现代男权社会对女人有一种自相矛盾的双重标准：一方面，女人在白天接受“守贞教育”，晚上则在电视上看到“女孩也疯狂”的广告。一方面，女孩被教导说婚前性行为是不对的，另一方面又告诉你，你若想成为一名春假辣妹，你赶紧对着镜头宽衣解带吧！(When you're getting abstinence-only education during the day and Girls Gone Wild commercials at night, it's not exactly easy to develop a healthy sexuality. You're taught that sex before marriage is bad bad bad, but that if you want to be a springbreak hottie, you'd better start making out for the camera.)守贞教育家是这么来教育女孩子的：“你们的身体就是一根棒棒糖。当你们与男人发生性关系时，他剥去你的糖衣，含吮起来。当时可能感觉不错，可遗憾的是，他与你完事后，你们留给下一位伴侣的就是衣冠不整，口水臭味的残渣。”("Your body is a wrapped lollipop. When you have sex with a man, he unwraps your lollipop and sucks on it. It may feel great at the time, but unfortunately, when he's done with you, all you have left for your next partner is a poorly wrapped, saliva-fouled sucker. ")够耸人听闻的。不过女权主义者不吃这一套。瓦伦蒂提出的口号是：“我的处女膜我做主！(Our Hymens, Ourselves )”她说：“我从未闹明白处女贞操有什么大不了，真的。我的贞操在中学时代就被一名男朋友没怎么费劲就夺去了。我们后来还约会了好几年呢。我还以为会有什么异样的感觉呢，没有。我总觉得这种把处女贞操当成如花似玉一回事很愚蠢。所以你可以想象，当我发现自己原来是被用过即弃的垃圾时有多愕然。”(I have never really understood what the big deal was about virginity. Really. Mine was lost without a great deal of fanfare to a high school boyfriend whom I dated for several years afterward. I expected to feel different—I didn't. The whole precious-flower-virginity thing always seemed silly to me. So imagine my surprise when I found out that I was just a used-up piece of trash without it.)我比较纳闷的是，女权主义者总体上是鄙夷男人的。可是在处理自己的情欲时，她们对男人的态度显然又是另一番风景。诚然，她们与男人上床，再也不是为了讨好男人，更不是为了繁衍后代，而纯粹是为了自己的愉悦。用瓦伦蒂露骨的话，就是：一边做女权主义者，一边啪啪啪！(f***ing while feminist ！)只是，面对一位性欲如此高涨态度如此强势的女权主义床伴，哪一位小男人消受得起？
As I look back on my experiences, it’s interesting to reflect on how my perspectives have changed.
瓦伦蒂用了整整一个章节来阐述女权主义的性欲观。标题是《女权主义者更擅长干那事（以及其它关于性的提示）FEMINISTS DO IT BETTER (AND OTHER SEX TIPS)》。
When I started out, each and every twist and turn I encountered, whether in the markets or in my life in general, looked really big and dramatic up close, like unique life-or-death experiences that were coming at me fast.
她开宗明义就自我标榜“我在床上比你行，而这得归功于女权主义。”(I'm better in bed than you are. And I have feminism to thank for it.)
现代男权社会对女人有一种自相矛盾的双重标准：一方面，女人在白天接受“守贞教育”，晚上则在电视上看到“女孩也疯狂”的广告。一方面，女孩被教导说婚前性行为是不对的，另一方面又告诉你，你若想成为一名春假辣妹，你赶紧对着镜头宽衣解带吧！(When you're getting abstinence-only education during the day and Girls Gone Wild commercials at night, it's not exactly easy to develop a healthy sexuality. You're taught that sex before marriage is bad bad bad, but that if you want to be a springbreak hottie, you'd better start making out for the camera.)
With time and experience, I came to see each encounter as “another one of those” that I could approach more calmly and analytically, like a biologist might approach an encounter with a threatening creature in the jungle: first identifying its species and then, drawing on his prior knowledge about its expected behaviors, reacting appropriately.
守贞教育家是这么来教育女孩子的：“你们的身体就是一根棒棒糖。当你们与男人发生性关系时，他剥去你的糖衣，含吮起来。当时可能感觉不错，可遗憾的是，他与你完事后，你们留给下一位伴侣的就是衣冠不整，口水臭味的残渣。”("Your body is a wrapped lollipop. When you have sex with a man, he unwraps your lollipop and sucks on it. It may feel great at the time, but unfortunately, when he's done with you, all you have left for your next partner is a poorly wrapped, saliva-fouled sucker. ")
够耸人听闻的。不过女权主义者不吃这一套。瓦伦蒂提出的口号是：“我的处女膜我做主！(Our Hymens, Ourselves )
”她说：“我从未闹明白处女贞操有什么大不了，真的。我的贞操在中学时代就被一名男朋友没怎么费劲就夺去了。我们后来还约会了好几年呢。我还以为会有什么异样的感觉呢，没有。我总觉得这种把处女贞操当成如花似玉一回事很愚蠢。所以你可以想象，当我发现自己原来是被用过即弃的垃圾（或棒棒糖）时有多愕然。”(I have never really understood what the big deal was about virginity. Really. Mine was lost without a great deal of fanfare to a high school boyfriend whom I dated for several years afterward. I expected to feel different—I didn't. The whole precious-flower-virginity thing always seemed silly to me. So imagine my surprise when I found out that I was just a used-up piece of trash (or candy) without it.)
When I was faced with types of situations I had encountered before, I drew on the principles I had learned for dealing with them.
我比较纳闷的是，女权主义者总体上是鄙夷男人的。可是在处理自己的情欲时，她们对男人的态度显然又是另一番风景。诚然，她们与男人上床，再也不是为了讨好男人，更不是为了繁衍后代，而纯粹是为了自己的愉悦。用瓦伦蒂露骨的话，就是：一边做女权主义者，一边啪啪啪！(Fucking while feminist ！)
But when I ran into ones I hadn’t seen before, I would be painfully surprised. Studying all those painful first-time encounters, I learned that even if they hadn’t happened to me, most of them had happened to other people in other times and places, which gave me a healthy respect for history, a hunger to have a universal understanding of how reality works, and the desire to build timeless and universal principles for dealing with it.
（对于之前没遇见的新问题，不会感到痛苦。因为发现，即使那些问题，之前我没遇见过，其他人也会遇到过。所以作者特别尊重历史，渴望了解现实到底是怎么运行的，并渴望建立永恒和普遍的原则来处理它。）（简而言之：认识现实的真面目，并建立 普遍的原则去处理它， 普遍或许可以理解为 合适的 正确的 ）
Watching the same things happen again and again, I began to see reality as a gorgeous perpetual motion machine, in which causes become effects that become causes of new effects, and so on.
I realized that reality was, if not perfect, at least what we are given to deal with, so that any problems or frustrations I had with it were more productively directed to dealing with them effectively than complaining about them. I came to understand that my encounters were tests of my character and creativity. Over time, I came to appreciate what a tiny and short-lived part of that remarkable system I am, and how it’s both good for me and good for the system for me to know how to interact with it well.
In gaining this perspective, I began to experience painful moments in a radically different way. Instead of feeling frustrated or overwhelmed, I saw pain as nature’s reminder that there is something important for me to learn. Encountering pains and figuring out the lessons they were trying to give me became sort of a game to me.
The more I played it, the better I got at it, the less painful those situations became, and the more rewarding the process of reflecting, developing principles, and then getting rewards for using those principles became.I learned to love my struggles, which I suppose is a healthy perspective to have, like learning to love exercising (which I haven’t managed to do yet).
In my early years, I looked up to extraordinarily successful people, thinking that they were successful because they were extraordinary. After I got to know such people personally, I realized that all of them—like me, like everyone—make mistakes, struggle with their weaknesses, and don’t feel that they are particularly special or great. They are no happier than the rest of us, and they struggle just as much or more than average folks. Even after they surpass their wildest dreams, they still experience more struggle than glory. This has certainly been true for me.
While I surpassed my wildest dreams decades ago, I am still struggling today.In time, I realized that the satisfaction of success doesn’t come from achieving your goals, but from struggling well.To understand what I mean, imagine your greatest goal, whatever it is—making a ton of money, winning an Academy Award, running a great organization, being great at a sport. Now imagine instantaneously achieving it.
You’d be happy at first, but not for long. You would soon find yourself needing something else to struggle for. Just look at people who attain their dreams early— the child star, the lottery winner, the professional athlete who peaks early. They typically don’t end up happy unless they get excited about something else bigger and better to struggle for. Since life brings both ups and downs, struggling well doesn’t just make your ups better; it makes your downs less bad.
I’m still strugglingand I will until I die, because even if I try to avoid the struggles, they will find me.
Thanks to all that struggling and learning, I have done everything I wanted to do,gone everywhere I wanted to go, met whomever I wanted to meet, gotten everything I wanted to own, had a career that has been enthralling, and, most rewardingly, had many wonderful relationships.I have experienced the full range, from having nothing to having an enormous amount, and from being a nobody to being a somebody, so I know the differences.While I experienced them going from the bottom up rather than from the top down (which was preferable and probably influenced my perspective), my assessment is that the incremental benefits of having a lot and being on top are not nearly as great as most people think.
Having the basics—a good bed to sleep in, good relationships, good food, and good sex—is most important, and those things don’t get much better when you have a lot ofmoney or much worse when you have less.
And the people one meets at the top aren’t necessarily more special than those one meets at the bottom or in between.
The marginal benefits of having more fall off pretty quickly. In fact, having a lot more is worse than having a moderate amount more because it comes with heavy burdens. Being on top gives you a wider range of options, but it also requires more of you. Being well-known is probably worse than being anonymous, all things considered. And while the beneficial impact one can have on others is great, when you put it in perspective, it is still infinitesimally small. For all those reasons, I cannot say that having an intense life filled with accomplishments is better than having a relaxed life filled with savoring, though I can say that being strong is better than being weak, and that struggling gives one strength.
My nature being what it is, I would not have changed my life, but I can’t tell you what is best for you. That is for you to choose. What I have seen is that the happiest people discover their own nature and match their life to it.
Now that my desire to succeed has given way to a desire to help others succeed, that’s become my current struggle. It’s now clear to me that my purpose, your purpose, and the purpose of everything else is to evolve and to contribute to evolution in some small way.I didn’t think about that at the start; I just went after the things I wanted. But along the way I evolved, and now I am sharing these principles with you to help you evolve too.I realized that passing on knowledge is like passing on DNA—it is more important than the individual, because it lives way beyond the individual’s life. This is my attempt to help you succeed by passing along to you what I learned about how to struggle well—or, at the very least, to help you get the most out of each unit of effort you put in.